Decorated Emergency

man, i would love a shopping spree now.
my wardrobe needs rejuvenation.

bt my wallet doesnt agree.

HAHA.

first it was blue.
then today it was yellow.

(DIYANAH!)

i cannot forget.

I have done many a bad thing.

but i dont regret crossing over to the dark side.

because this is living. you dont know what's life till u feel both opposing ends of the spectrum.

people come, people go.

by virtue of that fact, it sucks.

i miss talking to certain persons. BLACKMOO U READING THIS?

i am very frustrated. and nothing's helping.

i wonder what beethoven would say about Neil Zaza guitaring his 5th symphony.

but yeah, neil zaza is awesome.

psh.

Its annoying when people dont act their age.

Funny how we subject ourselves to emotion. From one extreme end to another, and everything else in between, we felt it all. It makes us human, yet at the same time it makes us weak, and yet it also makes us strong.

But when emotion begins to cripple you as an individual, I would suggest throwing it away, and not subject yourself to it in the first place. Sure, you can feel top of the world, but you would find yourself crashing down fast and hard when things screw up. In the end, all you get is despair and a sense of helplessness. Then that top-of-the-world feeling would have just been a fleeting moment, only temporary isnt it? I dont know about others, but I am a pessimist by most measure, and I think of joy as a temporary state-of-mind for which we will be filled with short-lived adrenaline and a sense of satisfaction. At the end of the day, we are human, we screw up and we despair.

On those grounds, we keep searching for everlasting joy. Despite knowing that to get there is fraught with obstacles and immense disappointment, we stubbornly persist. And for what? A period of overwhelming gratification before it crashes down again. Nothing of such magnitude can be maintained, and perhaps this idealistic notion of 'that one joy' has always been a myth.

Perhaps being aloof is the best choice. No pain, no joy, no sorrow, no laughter. A state of equilibrium perhaps, or probably a state of non-existence. Is that possible by any human measure? I certainly want to drive towards that state of equilibrium/nothingness for I think the cost of happiness is too great. Or at least, try not to put myself in a situation where I know my heart will definitely break. I love being happy, I hate being in the dumps at the same time. Everyone feels that way.

I have this personal principle of 'nothing lasts forever', it is true, and it is sad. Everything we do in this life will crash down to nothingness when we return to ashes. Then I guess it is best we live to what we believe makes it fulfilling. For me, i guess, it's the things I have done that measures how richly I have lived my life, and perhaps belonging to another is not one of them.

Honestly, i really duno whats going on.

Disappeared just like that? or just busy in someplace somewhere?
Want to be found? Or not?
It's the end? Or not?

At least give me a definitive answer.

I hate suspense. I hate emotion.

Everything has its cost. Sometimes i just dont want to get involved. Because for every smile i get, there will be the heartache to come.

WHATS THE FREAKING POINT of feeling anything.

I need you so much, please.

AHH.

i think im returning to the person i was while i used to read philosophy to a larger extent.
questioning every thing.

its a very dangerous thing, this is.

who knows what personal principles i might let go after intensive questioning. I knw that happened before.

how the hell did i put on 5kg from end of sec 4, through jc, until now?

while your interest waned,
mine quietly grew.

and now i dont know what to do.

NOTE TO SELF:

Write a book on the lists that i have.
Bucket list, things-to-do-before-i-get-married list, etc